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I certainly didn’t want to be one. I fought it. Tried to rationalize a reason that belief in an all-powerful deity was reasonable. But I couldn’t. That’s really the crux of it. I am, or at least was, a reluctant atheist.

I had, at one point in my life, been studying to be a minister. I was very much a Christian and enjoyed all the things that belief provided. A Heavenly Father who was perfect and cared immensely about the goings-on in my life. Someone I could talk to any moment of the day about anything. Who *wouldn’t* want that?

When I first started shedding the idea that a god existed, it was painful. After I fully realized God didn’t exist, I went into a mourning period (am I still there?) — much as if I’d lost a loved one to death. There was nothing easy about it, especially since around that time my grandfather also passed and I was unsure what to do with lack of an afterlife. Previously, I thought that pretty much everyone went to heaven (a heretical belief, but one that stemmed from the idea that God is love). So, of course, my awesome grandpa was going to go to the grand upstairs and I would see him again. Now, the realization of a godless world also meant that the temporary deaths of my loved ones was no longer temporary. The loss of god also meant I needed to grieve the deaths I had experienced more fully than I had.

I liked my life as a Christian — the community, the comforting friend in the sky, the neatness with which everything was all wrapped up. When I was studying to be a minister, my family seemed to take an interest for the things I was interested in, which is really what this post is probably about.

I am excited about the Cosmos re-make. I have posted continually for the last several months about how excited I am about it. I encouraged people to watch and just learn some simple science.  Aside from Mrs. Gupler (who is cool with learning science), have I heard one peep about any interest in it from anyone in my family? Nope. Nada. Zilch. None. This kind of depresses me greatly, as it seems that them being interested in me as a minister didn’t have anything to do with me.

This also troubles me because I’m thinking about going to to school to become an astrophysicist, quite different than my first career direction. I do wonder what my family will think, or if they’ll even care. It can be a little discouraging when considering a daunting task, to not feel supported by the majority of your family (or even have them express the slightest bit of interest). I need to remember that I have to do what is right for me. I want to learn what really makes the world tick.

So, its just me (and Mrs. Gupler, thank His Noodly Appendage!) considering embarking on this career change.

It’s scary and exciting. I don’t *want* to be an atheist, at least by choice.

But, by choice, I do *want* to be an astrophysicist.